I have been talking here and on Facebook a little about my weight loss journey. And I’ll be doing a post when I get closer to my goal about what exactly my diet strategy has been. But I’d like to share for a minute some things that I had to lose first that were much harder to get rid of than the pounds clinging to my hips.
Wrong Motives and Bad Influences
I’ve really never been one of those “constantly on a diet” yoyo dieters. I can count the number of serious diets I’ve done on one hand. By “serious diets” I mean diets that lasted more than a week. I couldn’t begin to count the times I’ve gotten up on Monday determined to lose weight and lost my resolve by dinnertime that night.
But the times when I decided to lose weight and actually stuck with it long enough to see results, always coincided with times of great upheaval and insecurity in my life.
During each of my failed marriages, my exes berated me for my weight. Looking back, it was ridiculous because both of them were in far worse shape than I was. But I took those words to heart. I felt useless and unattractive and unlovable. So after each of those divorces I lost about 30 pounds. My motivation was simple, but so very wrong. I just didn’t want to be alone forever, and I was sure that no man would look twice at me as I was. But the pounds always came back (and brought friends), and gradually I grew bigger and bigger.
Learning to Love Me (at any size)
The last serious diet I was on came after I met Mr Fix It. He never said or did a thing to make me feel like he was concerned about my weight. But I was. He was just so darned thin – 160 pounds of lean muscle. And by that time I felt so bad about myself and my weight that I was sure he wouldn’t stick around if I gained one more pound. I lost 30 again (30 seems to be my magic number).
But then gradually the weight crept back up again. And you know what? He stayed. And we got married. And he never once made me feel like anything was wrong with me or like he was less attracted to me at 195 than he was at 165.
Gradually I just stopped worrying about it. I lost my scale when we got married, and I didn’t bother to replace it. I just enjoyed my family. Enjoyed cooking yummy things for them and eating those yummy things. I stopped looking in the mirror and thinking how disgusted I was with myself. All those hurtful words that had become part of me over the years melted away.
But a few months ago, a couple of things came together that made me feel the need to make some changes.
Last fall and during the holidays I’d noticed a couple of things I didn’t like. First was a definite drop in energy. I could easily nap on the couch all day if I’d let myself. I had no motivation to do anything. I was dragging myself out of bed late every morning, and ready to go back well before 10pm, which just isn’t like me. I’ve always been a night owl. I also started having heartburn more and more. I hadn’t had it this often since I was pregnant. I associated both those issues with weight gain, and I didn’t like either. I started playing with the idea of another diet.
Then my J-Ella announced she was getting married and that was the kick in the seat of the pants that I needed. I wanted to look GOOD in those wedding pictures. LOL
But really. I feel like every time I’ve tried this in the past it’s been about all the wrong things. Attracting a man, keeping a man, all about how I look and never about how I feel, all about others and not about me. This time I know, my husband isn’t going anywhere and he’ll love me just as much if I gain as if I lose. I don’t need to do this for him. And that frees me up to do it for me. It takes away the anxiety about failing. Because if I fail, who have I hurt? Only me. And guess what? I’m still gonna love me either way.
So just keep watching. I’m gonna do it this time. And when I hit my goals, I have no intention of ever seeing 200+ on the scale or size 16 in my too tight jeans ever again. Who’s with me?